Hopes, dreams and all kinds of disorders

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When I was a kid I was really shy and quiet. Hence the reason why books were my sanctuary, actually they still are.

I was healthy and happy all through my childhood until I started eating too much, trying to numb out my emotions and fears. The result was an overweight, introvert, scared little human being. I often thought that nobody would understand what I was feeling, that I would never fit in and that I simply wasn`t lovable. That is why I isolated myself more and more, binged on sugary, fatty junk food and became even more sad, scared and depressed. 

Luckily when puberty hit I lost weight and that really boosted my self-worth. I became that happy, healthy girl again that I hadn`t been for years. My grades have always been good (except for math, I think some of you can relate to that). I had nice friends, a boyfriend and all was well…until it wasn`t.

It all began again after I finished school and started my professional education. I moved away from my family, got my first apartment, a new boyfriend, new friends…a new life in a foreign city. My 19 year old self was overwhelmed with being an adult all of a sudden. Bills to pay, studying for exams while working full-time was too much. As a result my grades dropped, I got into fights with friends and co-workers were telling me that my work lacked. I got that feeling of not being good enough again. Binge eating junk food was my well-known coping mechanism. I gained weight. So consequently I started to work out in a gym to balance out the stress and binge eating. I got obsessed with training and restraining my food-intake during the week because of the binging on the weekend. 

At some point training (most days twice a day) and watching my calorie intake just wasn`t cutting it anymore.

I had days where I would eat a whole loaf of bread with a big jar of nutella, frozen pizzas, a whole cake and so on. Binging, throwing up, binging again…rinse and repeat…I became bulimic. When I started gaining weight I stopped eating all together. 

There were weeks upon weeks where I would only drink diet soda and maybe eat an apple every second day. I drank gallons of coffee with fat-free milk and herbal tea to fight the hunger pangs. 

The end result? I collapsed after another intense training session, broke my jaw, had a fractured skull and multiple injuries. In the hospital they wired my jaw together so I could only eat through a straw for weeks.

My family was really worried and they were hoping desperately that I would finally realize that I had a serious eating disorder. 

Guess what! I didn`t. 

During this time when I could only drink fluids with a straw I lost even more weight and I thought that that was great. My body was skin and bones and I still felt fat and unworthy of friendship and love. So my anorectic journey continued.

Until this day I don`t know what exactly was the turning point. Maybe I was fed up with being miserable all the time. Perhaps it was another friend turning their back on my behaviour or my company asking me why I wasn`t coming to work, again. Maybe I couldn`t stand myself any longer. I really don`t know, but I finally decided to seek help and become healthy again. That took me about a whole year of therapy and until this day I still have my bad days where I want to binge or starve myself. But I know how to deal with it. It isn`t always easy but it`s worth the struggle to stay healthy and accepting the body I have. I am not perfect and that is okay with me. Some days more than others.

In coclusion I want you to realize:

Your worth and happiness do not depend on your body size or your looks. You are far more than the size of your clothes. Because you`re beautiful just the way you are!

I could write  even more about my experiences and this post doesn`t even cover the surface of all of the years of my disorder but that is not what this really is about. I want to help you see that you are precious and unique and that this world needs you just the way you are – with all your kindness and compassion, no matter what your size or looks are. 

Maybe you want to listen to Alessia Cara`s song “Scars to Your Beautiful” to remind yourself again and again that your beautiful just the way you are!

And you don’t have to change a thing, the world could change its heart

No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful.

There will still be bad days and that is okay. Because that`s life. But always remember your worth and that there`s gonna be sunshine after a little rain.

Stay wild -stay gold!

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