Who am I?

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Do you know who you are? Think about it for a second, do you really know who you are? No, I do not mean your social status or your career. Not your body or the clothes you wear. 

Who are you? Who am I?

To be honest, I don`t know who or what I am, yet. I do know that I am not my body, the size of the clothes I wear or the weight that shows when I step on a scale, which I haven`t actually done in years. Yes you heard correctly. I haven`t stepped on a scale in years. It just doesn`t matter to me anymore.

I am also not the car I drive or the house I live in. Nor am I the career I chose or the job I have. I am not the books I read nor the thoughts I have.  Thoughts come and go and unfortunately most of the times we hold on to them for far to long. Grasping and clawing at them as if our whole life depends on them. 

I tell you a secret: It does not!

Those thoughts are just an illusion. They fog up our view, our true self, our true nature. Maybe this whole post makes you feel confused or you even think: “What the f…rick is going on here?” For me that´s actually a good thing because it flips your point of view and hopefully starts an inner process, too.

Take a moment and close your eyes. Breath deeply. Inhale and exhale.

And now shed all those external layers of what you think you are:

Your job. Social status. The role you play in your family. The clothes you wear. Your car. Your knowledge. All your thoughts and believes.

Now what is left? 

Take a deep breath. What is left?

Love? Bliss? Happiness? Joy? Wisdom? Liberation? Peace? Tranquility?

At the moment I am on a journey to my inner utmost self. Or as my teacher Allowah often says “my quest to enlightenment”. We recently talked about this topic and I told him that I feel like my whole life I was just playing a role. Like when you are an actor and you perform on a stage or in front of a screen.

In my past I was acting in certain ways that society deemed appropriate. Therefore I put on a mask so that I would fit in. Because I wanted people to like me and not stand out as being different, difficult, strange and so on.

And I realized that my whole life was a big, ugly sham. I was being a hypocrite extraordinaire. 100% fake. Corollarily I felt sad, angry and lost most of the time – even bordering on depressed. Maybe this was the kick-start for my severe eating disorder in my early twenties. Who knows.

So what did I get out of this fake lifestyle?

Some might say nothing but a sad and unhappy life. Maybe some would see it as a gift and a much needed experience to find my way back to my true self. I go with the latter. Although my quest just started I am absolutely positive that it will be a game changer for me or better said my much needed life changer.

And now I want you to ask yourself again: Who am I?

Stay wild – stay gold.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

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